


Zoom Enough for the Two of Us

by orphan_account



Series: Sex Bloopers [22]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Crack Fic, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Phone Sex, Quarantine, Smut, Zoom calls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:54:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26026795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: David and Patrick make the most of the private messaging function on Zoom during a period of separation during lockdown. But there's something they're forgetting....
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: Sex Bloopers [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1423777
Comments: 19
Kudos: 133





	Zoom Enough for the Two of Us

**Author's Note:**

> \- This is exactly what is says on the tin. They talk each other off on the phone, with an extremely embarrassing/cringeworthy ending.
> 
> \- Okay I never write explicit smut so this is so out of my comfort zone, but the idea was so funny to me and my friend encouraged me so here we are. Enjoy.

For as much as Patrick can remember of the past few days, there has only been one thing on his mind. It had plagued him all throughout the Thursday afternoon slump in Rose Apothecary, a time of day he had colored orange – meaning “rarely busy” – on his weekly average customer engagement spreadsheet. It was the reason he’d zoned out completely over his lunchtime stop at the café, completely ignoring the new tactic plans his baseball teammate Adam was explaining to him (that one would probably come back to bite him in the ass in the near future).

But it didn’t matter right now. Because all he could think was, _it’s been a week. And there’s a whole week left to go._

Throughout the lockdown that had been dominating the country ever since the borders shut in March, David and Patrick had managed to build up something of a routine that didn’t make them lose their minds (bar that one week in April, now known semi-affectionately to Patrick as Black Easter, where David lost that game of Risk and didn’t speak to him for eight days). They’d made orders, packaged and delivered online sales, renewed contracts, broken contracts, then spent the rest of the time walking, cooking, tending to the garden, listening to music, painting, and having so much sex that by June they had actually started to ration themselves for the sake of their stamina.

Now that the regulations were easing, David had managed to break free from the town for a business crash course they’d signed onto together, and was currently situated in Toronto to have careful meetings with retail managers. He would be coming home soon, but even then he’ll still have to socially distance from Patrick for a week afterwards, which Patrick can tell is going to be like his own personal purgatory. On his last day, they’re scheduled to have a Zoom meeting together with the course guides – David in his hotel room, Patrick in their room at home.

And _dammit,_ he wishes he’d jerked off before the meeting started.

They’d had plenty of phone calls, but Patrick hadn’t yet had time to video call David that week, so the sight of him after all this time – sweater rumpled, hair slightly mussed by sleep, but perfect nonetheless – is really doing it for him. There’s an hour to go. He _cannot_ get distracted in this meeting.

He’s just reached the end of a particularly long-winded and boring piece about the intricacies of their finances, when a message pops up on the screen:

**David Rose (Private)**

holy shit i missed your face

Patrick blinks at the message for a moment, half-waiting for the managers to react, then he notices the parentheses by David’s name. There’s a private message function on this thing? Well, if he’d known that before, it would’ve made the town-wide weekly quizzes they had going on where David and Patrick had to sit in separate rooms a _lot_ more interesting.

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

Wait they definitely can’t see this right??

Oh my god

I’VE MISSED YOU TOO

**David Rose (Private)**

cut to the chase brewer what are you really thinking about

Patrick sneaks a glance at the manager’s faces, who are listening to David speak. David’s giving absolutely no indication that anything other than business is going on.

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

You

And you coming back to me in a week

**David Rose (Private)**

technically i’m coming back tomorrow hehe

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

But I won’t get to touch you in a week!!!!! it’s a crime, honestly

If I had my way, you’d be sat between my thighs right now

I’d have to push your head down so the managers don’t see you sucking me off

**David Rose (Private)**

…go on

Patrick smirks, feeling himself get harder. He locks eyes with David briefly – or at least he _thinks_ he does, because he’s still not quite sure how this app works – and props his tablet up on the desk, making sure the pants he’s currently shucking off are well out of view.

**David Rose (Private)**

I saw that

I believe you were telling me about pushing my head down?

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

Indeed I was

Patrick sees David bite back a smile and an eyeroll, probably suppressing some comment about how Patrick is the only person ever to use the word ‘indeed’ during phone sex.

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

To be honest, I barely even need to tell you about it because you’re such a good boy you always know exactly what to do anyway

Bet you’re thinking about it now, aren’t you? Getting me wet while you finger yourself open then lowering yourself onto my cock

**David Rose (Private)**

fuck

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

Precisely

He watches David’s mouth clamp shut, and knowing he’s got his husband barely holding on is more than enough cause for him to move his hand faster.

**David Rose (Private)**

do n o t stop

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

Oh is that what you want? Well, you’re certainly gonna have to stop moving when I grab your hips and fuck up into you so hard you forget your own name

**David Rose (Private)**

FUCK

The little mute button appears next to David’s icon on the screen. Patrick watches his lips part momentarily before he unmutes himself again.

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

God I wish I could hear the sound you just made

**David Rose (Private)**

You won’t have to when the video I’m taking on my phone sends

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

Oh my GOD you are going to be the death of me

Hang on

Patrick feels the familiar knot of pressure in his lower back and comes silently, biting hard on his lower lip to prevent any noise. Impressively, they’ve managed to maintain their steady, professional back-and-forth with the managers this whole time. Now that Patrick is no longer on the edge of blacking out, he’s able to tune in just in time to listen to one of them say she’s going to be in touch with them both in a week or so.

**David Rose (Private)**

You done?

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

Yup. You?

**David Rose (Private)**

Yes

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

A pleasure doing business with you, sir

**David Rose (Private)**

Agreed, agreed

Looks like this other meeting is wrapping up too

**Patrick’s Tablet (Private)**

What other meeting?

****

With that spectacularly climactic ending to David’s business trip out of the way, the next week seems to pass a lot less frustratingly than Patrick originally imagined. Nevertheless, they reconcile just as enthusiastically – if not more – when David’s mini isolation period is over.

They’re sprawled across their king-sized bed at home after round two, comfortable and blissful and slowly coming back to reality, when Patrick gets an email notification. He reaches over to grab his tablet.

“Who’sit?” David slurs.

“That manager from the meeting,” Patrick says. “She said she’d be in touch after a week, didn’t she?”

“Ugh, can it wait?” David says, tugging on Patrick's waist as he sits up to look at the email.

“One second, it won’t take long.”

Even so, Patrick isn’t really in the mood to think about business right now. He skims over the email and is about to switch off his tablet when the postscript at the bottom catches his eye:

_P.S. Outside the interests of business, I thought I should let you and David know – at the end of a Zoom call, the host of the meeting is able to read all private messages exchanged during the course of it. I’m not saying this to embarrass you, I’m just giving you a heads-up for the future. I hope David has a very pleasant time at home._

Patrick stares at the little note for what feels like hours, frozen in place as mortified horror starts to burn him up from the inside out.

“David. Oh my God, David. No.”

“What?” Grabbing some of the blanket, David hauls himself up and reads over Patrick’s shoulder. His face completely slackens. “Fuck. Oh my God.”

Patrick yells, throwing the tablet away from him so that it skates across the carpet. “Oh God, this isn’t happening. That’s so embarrassing. That is –”

“Patrick, we can never talk to them again.”

“We still have three months on this business course! We’re talking to them next week!”

“No we’re not. That is not happening, I’m cancelling the course.”

David snatches the tablet off the floor and starts to type out a response to the woman. Patrick considers stopping him, then he remembers in far too much detail exactly what was being said in those meetings and lets him continue. Once he’s done, they both lay back, staring at the ceiling in disbelief.

“Are we terrible people, Patrick?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“The worst.”

David catches his eye and suddenly they both burst out laughing, the embarrassment of it soon fading and dropping gently onto the ever-growing collection of very strange stories that they have to tell - a collection that only Stevie will know every detail of.

“At the least, I hope they were impressed by our stealth,” David says thoughtfully.

“Hm. I’m not so bothered about stealth right now, though. Round three?”

“Absolutely.”


End file.
